Overall Rating: 1/5 Stars (Only because zero isn't an option)||I booked a stay at the Oakwood Hotel expecting a quaint, comfortable retreat based on the meticulously-staged photos online. What I received was a masterclass in misrepresentation and an endurance test in basic human comfort.||The Great Deception - |Let's start with the dimensions. When the website promised a cozy room, they must have meant "cozy" in the way a submarine torpedo tube is "cozy." Our room was not half the size advertised; it was more accurately a walk-in closet currently undergoing an identity crisis. The bathroom, which featured glossy marble in the pictures, was an aggressively beige, fluorescently-lit box that appeared to have been designed entirely by Stevie Wonder himself.|Then there was the scent. I can only describe it as a complex blend of historic industrial solvent, forgotten mop water, and the faint existential dread of a thousand previous unhappy guests. It was the perfume of broken promises.||The Unsolicited Audio Performance - |If you're looking for a peaceful night's sleep, I suggest camping in a major airport. The hotel provides uncomfortable beds that feel less like a mattress and more like a pile of concrete slabs wearing bedsheets. But the real star of the evening was the couple in the room directly above us.|From the moment we laid our heads down until the early hours of the morning, we were treated to an unsolicited 12-hour audio seminar on hardcore human passion. It was less of an incidental noise and more of a non-stop, athletic, and highly distracting performance. If they were competing for the Gold Medal in Endurance Intimacy, they won.||A Technological and Thermal Nightmare - |The room temperature felt calibrated to perfectly mimic the inside of an ice fishing hut. We were freezing cold all night and had to sleep fully clothed.|To distract ourselves from the cold and the overhead entertainment, we tried to access the internet on the TV to watch YouTube or something. Alas, the Wi-Fi password they provided was merely a suggestion of random letters and numbers — a non-functional artifact. It offered zero connectivity, much like the staff after 11 PM.||Speaking of staff: the sign clearly states "24/7 Reception," a claim that is about as truthful as the room photos. When I started to become concerned the couple above were about to come smashing through the ceiling (literally) I thought I would tell reception but discovered that the reception desk was locked down tighter than Fort Knox after 11PM. The advertised 24/7 service must refer to the number of hours I spent regretting this booking.||In summary, if you enjoy sleeping in a foul scented freezer, listening to what can only be compared to an X-Rated film resonating through the ceiling, and being utterly abandoned by customer service the second they take your money (and the deposit which they failed to mention anywhere), this is your dream hotel. For everyone else, stay far, far away.
